The days leading up to winter break 2020 were some of the most difficult, in terms of my mental health, that I’d experienced in a very long time.
I’m generally fairly vulnerable in my blog writing, but in order to do this issue justice, I’m going to have to really make myself uncomfortable here. I’m tense and sweaty even thinking about it! But I imagine that there are other people out there who have been or are on the verge of being in the same situation. So… here we go.
I’ve always been a really hard worker with a great work ethic. It’s how I was raised, and it’s just in my bones. I love my job and I’m passionate about what we do. Most of the time, that’s all beneficial. But that saying “everything in moderation” also applies to working hard. I guess I knew that on some level, but Coronavirus made it super clear.
Adapting to the times: March to July
As the Coronavirus pandemic swept over the world, life as we knew it changed completely. My kids, 3 and 7 at the time, were home with me alllllll day long, and I was doing my best to keep them entertained, educated, and emotionally well while also working harder than ever to pivot and adapt to the changing world at work.
I was working all the time. Because I was alone with the kids for those first few months, I was working odd hours to make up for “being with them” for a few hours during the day. I put that phrase in quotes because, looking back, I wasn’t truly with them. My head was still at work, and often my eyes were on my phone, looking at work stuff, even if I wasn’t at my desk. Like almost every other working parent in the world during this time, I also let the TV babysit them so I could really work WAY more than I would ever, EVER imagine I would have before all this.
So, during the days in the spring and early summer I was sorta working and sorta momming and not doing either thing well. In the early, EARLY mornings and after the kids went to bed, I really focused in on work.
I’m not sure if the math is super clear there, so to really drive the point home — I was working hard in the early mornings, also working during the day, and then working hard again in the evening. When was I not working?
Running on Adrenaline: July to November
Over the summer, my husband lost his job. Yikes, right?! Yes and no. Yes, it has put a strain on things here. Obviously we’d be doing better financially and mentally if he were working. But… OMG I have a real LIFE babysitter now, who can take them places and do things with them and and and and I can sit in my office ALL DAY.
And I was. I was sitting in my office ALL. DAY. I had to make up for lost time. I had to continue to figure out how we would adapt to the stresses of the pandemic. My job is to guide a team supporting two very hard-hit groups of people — teachers and elite athletes — in keeping on keeping on while their worlds have been turned upside down. It has been complex and ever-changing, and I needed TIME TO FIGURE IT OUT.
In addition to keeping things moving in our day-to-day operations, there were some incredibly cool opportunities for our organization coming in fast. We were looking at doing some things we had never done before, and I needed TIME TO FIGURE IT OUT.
There were also things I was in charge of that, frankly, weren’t going well. As a perfectionist who hates hates hates disappointing people or failing at things, this was hitting me really hard. I needed TIME TO FIGURE IT OUT.
Hitting the Wall: November to December
After working like this for seven months, I didn’t realize how close I was to burning out. I was so close to my breaking point in the fall and winter months that I was crying in meetings. Like full-on, turn-my-camera-off-and-walk-away ugly crying. In meetings. With other people. Several times.
Even with all of my desk time, it wasn’t enough to figure it all out. Something was not working. How was it possible that I was working so hard and so much, but I still wasn’t reaching my goals or making sense of things?
I had to turn it off.
Understanding the Problem: December to January
Over the winter break, I turned it all off and did an incredible amount of soul searching. Something needed to change. I wasn’t my best self in either my work or my personal life.
I was neglecting my friendships because I was “too busy”.
My kids and husband missed me. My husband actually said once, “Your kids are home all day long right now, and you’re seeing them LESS than you did when they went to school.” OOOOOOF.
At work, my head was fuzzy and I couldn’t make good decisions and couldn’t move forward with things that were important because I just was off.
In making work my top priority, I threw myself so out of balance that nothing — NOT EVEN WORK — was going as well as I’d want it to.
Okay, so that’s the story of the time I nearly broke. How did I fix it?
Rising Back Up: January to March
I mean, honestly it’s not fully fixed. As with any problem, in the course of solving it there have been many setbacks. But it’s so much better.
What I decided over the two weeks in December was that I would set some very firm limits for myself.
1. My phone would no longer be an extension of my computer. Once my workday was over, it was OVER. No more surreptitious glances at my Slack app or my Gmail app. Over.
2. My workday would not start until I was in my office, at my desk from 5:30 – 7:00 am. No more waking up and immediately checking work stuff. (And yeah, I still do wake up crazy early – I’m a morning person!)
3. I would spend an hour each morning with my kids, while I got ready for work. From 7:00am to 8:00am, no phone, no desk. I make them breakfast and snuggle, and hang out with them while I put on my makeup and straighten my hair. (Honestly, sometimes I do take some of that time for myself to have alone time, but no work!)
4. I set out-of-office hours for lunch. And I take. a. lunch. break. No phone, no desk. I have a nice lunch with my kids and my husband, and then we either go play outside or go for a short walk with the dog.
5. Then, at 4pm, I’m out. I finish up my Slack message or email or thought, and then close up shop and leave.
6. That stretch from 4 – 5 is my time. I get on my elliptical machine in the garage and turn on Top Chef reruns and get sweaty, or I do some yoga and get bendy.
7. The rest of the evening is either family time or time with just my husband and me, and zero work until 5:30 the next morning when I’m back at it.
Has it helped?
So, so, so much. I am more clear headed these days than I’ve been in a long time. I actually feel almost caught up. But more importantly, I feel more capable of growing and learning and getting better at my job. I don’t feel like I’m a walking ball of confused anxiety every day. I don’t feel like my life is happening to me. I’m making decisions and taking action and it feels great.
And when I do need to stay late for any reason, I’m not resentful. I know it’s not a daily thing, so I’m happy to put in a little extra time when needed. Those times are now reserved for fun and exciting things like teacher/mentor gatherings and digging in deep on some cool new opportunity.
On the family side, it’s also helped dramatically. Because I’m less stressed about work, I’m way more patient and fun with my kids. I’ve put together some fun routines for us to do together each day that have helped us bond. For the most part. Last night the activity made my older kid cry, but you can’t win them all. I know that, because we spend more QUALITY time together, he’ll be okay and we’ll be okay.
Just to keep it real here, let me admit that earlier this week I did slip for a few days. I checked my phone once during “no phone” time, and then because I did it once I apparently thought I may as well keep it up. I was back in the habit. And I FELT IT. My anxiety rose, and my patience, confidence, and sense of well being dropped.
I’m back at it now, keeping those limits firm. I know it’s a long road, and I know that there will be other days when I slip back into old habits. But at least I know how much GOOD it has done me to set limits and to really enforce a work-life balance.
Some Final Thoughts
Though these things worked for me, they’re very personal. My suggestion to anyone reading this is and relating to it is to figure out what makes YOU feel fulfilled, and set limits that allow you to make intentional space for those things. It feels hard at first, and it feels like you won’t have enough time to get everything done.
But in my experience, the mental clarity that came with those limits has increased my productivity during the times when I am working. I’m able to prioritize more effectively, so I can finish the things I need to do that day, and let other things move into the next day(s) if they’re not as urgent.
If you’re struggling with burnout, or if you’re on the verge of breaking, please do take the time to evaluate what is in your power to change. Not everything will be, but I bet there’s something!
Maybe you’re in a time period where you actually CAN’T find the time right now. Maybe you’re in the middle of report cards, or going back to in-person school for the first time in a year, or getting ready for some time off (or mat leave!), or there’s a big meeting next week that you just have to be super prepared for.
That’s okay, and we all have those times. But don’t let it last forever, please.
Take care of yourself. Work will be fine.