Researching and writing this blog post brought to the surface many of my latent heebie jeebies surrounding my own experience in middle school.
I first thought of the topic a SUPER long time ago, then let it sit in the back of my brain for months. I finally sat at my desk with a huge sigh and started my research and outline. That work became an untouched resident of my Drafts folder for another month.
Some Context
Middle school was not… the BEST experience for me (I elaborate on that a bit in this old post). In fact, I may or may not be working through issues from middle school with my therapist right now. It was also not a great time for my husband. Whenever either of us have a reason to talk about middle school, we both have a visceral shudder response, and can’t resist saying something about how freaking AWFUL it was.
Our son is a couple years away from going to middle school himself, and it’s become clear to me that we need to stop trash talking the whole experience. I don’t want him to spend the next two years dreading it because his parents couldn’t manage their stupid emotional responses.
I also think that, if he has a positive attitude — AND a strong toolkit of social and emotional skills — going into it, that will increase his chances of having a good time.
This article in The Atlantic spells out some of the major issues with middle school, why adults have an automatic shudder response to it, and how we could make it better with a couple of small changes — from a systemic lens.
My focus here, however, is to provide some guidance for helping our tweens through this awkward transition on a personal level.
Researchers and regular folks all agree — the middle school transition can be rocky. Helping kids build a strong foundation of social and emotional skills in the years leading up to that transition is key.
So, what difficulties do middle schoolers face?
How can we prepare them for this weird time when they’re still in elementary school, or support them through it when they’re actually there?
It’s never too late to work on these skills with kids — even if your kiddo is smack in the middle of middle school turmoil, you can still guide them through the experience and prepare them for what’s to come next.
Let’s look at some of the social and emotional obstacles and how to prepare kids for them and/or help them through them.
Obstacle #1: New Systems
The well-established routines of elementary school are about to be upended. Sure, the day will start and end at roughly the same time — but during the course of the day, our tweens will have to navigate a whole new schedule, more teachers, and different rules. Then there’s homework and extracurriculars after school. While this is the most straightforward and least emotionally charged of the obstacles I’ll discuss in this post, it definitely needs to be tended to!
What can we do?
Preparation is key! Try to find out what the routines and rules are of the new school and go over them with your kid. Giving our kids the information in advance gives them time to adjust, and feel more in control of the situation.
Coach them on asking for help. No matter how prepared they are, there’ll be times when things go sideways, or they don’t know what to do. Asking for help is a tough thing for anyone to do. Spending a little time working with them on that skill will be beneficial in the short- and long-term.
Maybe pull back on extracurriculars for the first couple of months, so they’re not overwhelmed with too much to do. We all want our kiddos to be well-rounded and learn allllll the skills. But there’s plenty of time for that! Let them focus on adjusting to the new school, homework, and social structures.
Remind them that you know this may be tough, but they can do hard things, and you are supportive. Explain (and reiterate as often as necessary) that you will be proud of them no matter what, as long as they try their best.
Obstacle #2: Independence
This doesn’t seem like an obstacle on its face. Independence! Yes! That’s what we want as parents, and what kids this age are desperate for! BUT — there is a lot that goes along with increased independence.
Our middle schoolers may get new freedoms, like walking to the library or a friend’s house after school. They may be engaged in extracurricular activities that involve travel. We may give them permission to buy snacks from the vending machine or a nearby fast-food place.
Whatever the newfound freedoms, our children will discover that there are also newfound responsibilities.
Did they check in with us when they said they would?
Did they save enough money from lunch to also buy an after-school snack?
Did they remember to tell us about the weekend match in Timbuktu?
In our children’s younger years, we often accompany them to other people’s homes. As they branch out and develop new friendships, our kids will likely do things with new people, in new places, without us there to help guide them.
All families operate differently, and sometimes our children may find themselves in situations that don’t align with our family’s expectations for them. This doesn’t mean the other family is wrong or bad — they’re just different. Our kids need to know how to navigate this.
What can we do?
Start fostering their independence early. It’s a SCARY feeling for lots of parents, but it’s necessary to help them build the confidence they’ll need to have positive, safe experiences without us.
Slowly increase responsibilities, in conjunction with more independence. Start small! For example, if they earn enough money doing chores, you’ll let them peruse their favorite store in the mall while you go to a nearby store. If it makes you more comfortable, give them a time limit.
Ensure that you have systems in place for responsible independence: check-ins, time limits, okay and not-okay places to go.
Make a game plan for when they’re somewhere without you, and the people they’re with behave in a way that makes them uncomfortable (guns, violence, inappropriate media, etc.). Practice with them — it’ll feel silly, I know! But it’ll help make them more readily able to take appropriate action when necessary.
Obstacle #3: Questioning Sense of Self
This one really gets tested in the tumultuous pre-teen years! Even kids who felt super confident and self-assured in elementary school may get shaken when they go through all of the internal and external changes that come with middle school.
We may notice that their short- and long-term goals have either changed, weakened or disappeared. “I’m gonna be an NBA star!” becomes “I… I’m not sure how good I actually am at this. Or if I even like it.”
They may begin to feel uncertain about the things that make them who they are. For example, that sweet and endearing sense of humor that we’ve come to adore and cringe at simultaneously may start to shift or diminish. Maybe they pick up a little crudeness, or maybe they become self-conscious and hold back on joking around.
Our kids’ group identity may get thrown for a total loop. During the transition from elementary to middle school, kids from their established friend group may go to a different school or develop different interests. New kids from other elementary schools will get thrown into the mix, for better or worse.
And to top it all off, hormones. So. Many. Hormones. This one scares me almost as much as the next section (relationships). Hormonal changes seem so unpredictable.
Maybe our kiddos will be late bloomers and stay even keel (more or less) for quite a while. They could start experiencing that wackiness early, and we’d better hang on tight for a long road. It’s possible that it’ll never really get that weird. Or maybe it’ll be weirder than we ever imagined.
Who knows? Not me.
What can we do?
Periodically spend some dedicated time going over your child’s long- and short-term goals. This doesn’t have to be a lengthy or heavy process. Just ask, and invite them to consider it for a few moments. Once in a while, you might spend some writing them down together.
Take any opportunity you can to remind them of what makes them special.
“Can you tell me that funny story about the elephant and the trapeze again? I could really use a good laugh.”
“Thank you for clearing the table! I love how helpful you are.”
“That drawing is so detailed — your ability to make creative, beautiful art is really something special.”
“I love that you called to check in on Max. You are such a caring and thoughtful friend.”
Create space for discussing emotional and hormonal changes, without forcing the issue. Making a big deal out of it will probably backfire, so just gently reminding them that you’re there if they need to check in about anything will be just fine.
Obstacle #4: Relationships
This one is the most difficult one for me, and I’m not looking forward to guiding my kiddos through it when they’re in middle school. Even the minor friend issues my son dealt with in early elementary school triggered some pretty big emotions in me. It’s going to take a lot of work for me to help them through the more difficult situations with wisdom and grace (and without wanting to resort to less… civilized behavior).
So — what can we expect?
Our kids may find that they grow apart from the people they’ve been friends with for years. Sometimes in life, we just aren’t friends with people anymore. It’s normal and natural. But to a middle schooler with hormones and feelings and not a ton of life experience, this can be devastating and confusing.
Relatedly, peer-to-peer conflict will undoubtedly become more common. Everyone’s trying to find their place in this new environment, so headbutting will likely occur. Sometimes, this butting of heads may evolve into more serious territory — bullying. And since, in middle school, lots and lots and lots of kids have phones and social media, this bullying is extra nasty.
A very serious note about phones and bullying
When kids are bullied through texting or social media, they CAN’T GET AWAY FROM IT. They’re subjected to torment whether they’re in school or not. When we were kids, bullying stopped when we got home. Home could be our safety zone, even when things were crappy at school. Now, there’s no safe place. This is extremely concerning.
To add another layer to this, I realize I have a dilemma in my future, and maybe you do too. I DO NOT want my kids to have a phone or social media. EVER. Or until they’re adults. I don’t want them to endure that form of bullying, or any of the other dangers of smartphones (a topic for another day). But if I don’t allow them to have those things, will they then get bullied relentlessly for NOT HAVING THEM? Uggggghhhhhh.
A problem for future me.
Another unavoidable relationship obstacle will be our kiddos comparing themselves to others, online or in person. We all remember going through this as pre-teens and teenagers. And as adults. It’s normal, but most likely our kids weren’t as concerned about how they stacked up to their peers when they were younger.
What can we do?
Encourage social connection and community building early on. Having a broad community of people who care about our kids will help them feel loved when things aren’t going so well at school.
Involve the kids in extracurriculars so they make friends from different schools, building relationships outside of their immediate friend group. Invite friends to your house. Meet up outside the house, if inviting over feels uncomfortable.
Have open conversations about friendships — what’s working, what’s not, and what can be done. It may work best if you bring it up casually as you’re doing other things. In my experience, having pointed conversations about friendships (when nothing’s wrong yet) gets me less information than just asking casual questions while we’re playing a game or sitting in the car.
Be ready to support them when friendships change. It’s normal for people to grow apart, but it can feel really awful when it’s happening. Strive to be empathetic and just listen.
Talk about bullying — what it looks like and how to handle it if it’s happening to them or if they see it happening.
Be sure to clarify the difference between joking/teasing and bullying. These often get muddied, and drawing attention to the differences when you spot them will help your kiddo understand what’s probably okay and what crosses the line.
A friend of mine offered this quote, and I love it: “It’s okay to not like someone. It’s NOT okay to recruit others to not like them.”
Another friend of mine, who is a middle school teacher, made sure to provide this advice: Have tough conversations about consent. They’ll be without us more, at friends’ houses, school dances, trips, etc. — clarify what’s okay, what’s not, and what to do if someone makes them feel uncomfortable.
Set limits on social media and have open conversations about how they are affected by what they’re seeing.
This post sure turned out longer than I’d expected it to be! Hopefully you found pieces of it to be helpful. I think this is such an important topic, I will be adding more resources over the next few months.
For starters, below are some of the websites I consulted in my research. You may find additional nuggets of wisdom!
If you have anything to add, please let me know in the comments. I’d love to hear from you!
US Dept of Education: Overview of Middle School SEL
Basic advice from Committee for Children
Research-heavy article: Insight into common struggles in transitioning to middle school, plus some transition program ideas
Transitioning Young Adolescents from Elementary to Middle School