When Your Nice Kid Befriends the “Mean Girl”

A friend of mine recently posted something on Facebook that made me feel pretty anxious and reminded me that there are some rocky roads ahead. She has a nice, kind daughter, and the little girl has decided that she wants to be friends with the resident “mean girl.”

My first reaction to that is, “Oh heck no! Find a way to discourage that!” But as I sat with the issue a bit, I rethought that position. Continue reading “When Your Nice Kid Befriends the “Mean Girl””

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How I’m Reforming My Play-Hating Ways

I love interacting with my son.

I love talking to him—he’s so funny and creative, conversations are usually pretty interesting.

I love reading to him—he is a very enthusiastic book lover, and that gives me an insane amount of joy.

I love snuggling with him—we snuggle every morning, and it always starts the day off right.

I love watching him draw—he has this crazy innate talent (and love for it) that I can only assume was a recessive gene from his grandmothers, because neither Josh nor I have much in the way of artistic ability!

Z drawing a train
The kid loves to draw!

I do not love playing with my son.

Okay, before you get all, “How can she say that?!” on me, let me explain. I like playing with him, but I for sure don’t love it.

Why?

It’s almost always the same thing, and I almost always do it wrong, regardless of what I’m doing! Let me paint you a picture (with words since, as noted above, I have zero talent in the visual arts):

It’s a beautiful Sunday morning. Josh is still sleeping, and Z and I have been up for a while. Z’s done watching Daniel Tiger and eating breakfast. He’s ready to play!

Z: “Mommy, want to play with me?”

Me: *hesitation –> plastered smile* “Yeah! Let’s go!”

We get into his playroom, and Z makes a beeline to his drawer of cars. I desperately try to convince him to do anything else.

Me: “Hey, you know, we haven’t built a train track in a long time! I bet that’d be really fun. We could even put trees and dinosaurs around the track. Doesn’t that sound cool?”

Z: “No, I want to play cars.” Blargh. I tried.

I sit and wait for direction. I would never just grab a car and start driving it around the room! That is strictly forbidden, let me tell you.

Z: “Mommy, why aren’t you playing with me?”

Me: “I don’t know what you want to do yet.”

Z: “I want to play cars!” Oh . . . Duh.

Me: “Okay, but how do you want to play? What do you want to do with the cars?”

Z: “Let’s race!” Yes, that’s what I figured.

I pick a car from the two choices he’s offered me. He decides that’s actually the car he wanted, so he takes that one and hands me the other.

We race. And race. And race.

For. Ev. Er.

Toy cars in "garage"
These are parked in the garage during preschool. But believe me, once he gets home, they’ll be zooming about!

Now, to be fair to Z, I will admit that sometimes playing with cars is not racing. Sometimes we crash over them with monster trucks or put them down the big ramp with the loop in it. Ahh, such variety—the spice of life!

I’m going to give myself a bit of a break from guilt here:

I don’t hate playing everything. There are lots of things I happily play with him—soccer, catch, puzzles, board games, roughhousing on the super-soft, pillowy blankets on our bed, hide and seek, and many more like those.

But he never wants to do those things!! He loves to hang in his playroom and do the very things that bore me to tears.

So how have I been handling this situation?

Here’s where I get real with you.

I have found myself doing two things lately that I am totally not proud of.

1. Making excuses to either shorten playtime or get out of it altogether.

For example, “Oh I’d love to buddy, but I have to start making dinner!” or “Yeah, just let me get this one thing done first.”

Ugh. Even writing that out makes me feel like a horrible person!!!

2. Bringing my phone in the playroom and looking at it when he seems engaged in his own play.

This has gotten worse since I started the blog, unfortunately. I have a lot of social media irons in the fire, in an attempt to get this little blog noticed, and I get notifications that, well, have to be checked right away, you know.

Otherwise they’ll go away. Or something. Or I just suck.

Woman looking at smartphone
Can’t…stop…checking.

Every time I do either of these things, I feel absolutely awful afterward. But I continue to do them anyway! What is wrong with me?

I actually think nothing is wrong with me. A quick Google search for “don’t like playing with my kids” brings up article after article of either parent confessionals or tips on how to enjoy playing with your kids.

So, I’m totally not alone.

How can I (and you!) become a reformed play hater??

I’ll start by listing a few things I have been trying lately:

1.  Infuse his play with my own style of play.

While playing cars, I’ll engage him in some kind of funny word play, or maybe I’ll pull him into my lap and cover him with kisses and tickles. It breaks up the monotony and either puts our brains to work or adds an element of physical affection, which is always a positive thing.

2. Break his “rules,” just to switch things up and keep him on his toes.

I’ll introduce monster trucks to the race, even though he explicitly stated it was only for race cars! Gasp!! Most days, this elicits a fit of giggles . . . If it doesn’t, and instead becomes a battle of wills, I drop the idea and play by his rules.

I’m not cruel. 😉

3. Set time frames for how long I’ll play before I go do whatever else needs to get done (usually dinner).

I got this idea from an article by Joshua Freedman, in which he suggests that we basically establish the ground rules for when we play and how long we play. This act can help us to more fully embrace and make the most of the playtime that we do give.

So far, I’ve found this to be a pretty useful strategy. Z and I have quality time together, and I know that (and this is going to sound terrible) my commitment to playing cars will end.

And here are a couple of suggestions from others:

1. Don’t let our kids boss us around.

Peter Gray Ph.D. asserts that it’s actually best if we basically stand up to our kids during play and try to get them to play the way we want to. He says that when a child is confronted with a playmate who does not bend to his will, he begins to develop valuable social skills, like being aware and considerate of the needs of others.

I have to admit that I’ve tried this a couple of times, with very little success. As I have mentioned previously, my little man is very willful and things can escalate pretty quickly. Playtime is generally one of those times when I choose not to fight battles if possible.

There are plenty of other times that I have to assert myself. I hate the idea of fighting during play.

But, since I’m actively trying to develop social skills in my kiddo, I may have to revisit this and give it another go.

Maybe. I’m cringing just thinking about it.

2. This article from Aha! Parenting suggests that we agree to play the child’s favorite thing, if he or she will play whatever it is we’d rather do first.

In my case, for example, I’d tell Z that I’d love to play cars with him, if he’ll play balloon tennis with me first.

I see this having a 50/50 success rate, which is worth trying!

As you can see I haven’t found a huge wealth of super helpful tips. The ideas above are good, but I was hoping to get a more comprehensive list here, to be honest.

I’d love to hear from you!

What are some ways you’ve alleviated your boredom when playing with your kids? (It’s okay to admit that it gets boring—I promise, you’re not alone by a long shot!!)

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NEVER Talk to Strangers?

The other day I was talking with one of my best friends, when the topic (as it often does) turned to Adventures in Childrearing. Specifically, we were talking about how our kids are starting to ask the tough questions. As interesting as it is to see our little babies grow into these critically-thinking mini-people, it can be really, really tricky when they ask questions that have deep, and sometimes disturbing, answers.

In these early years, they’re still so little.

How much should we really say? We have to walk a fine line between totally glossing over something that deserves to be discussed and overwhelming them with unnecessary, sometimes scary, information.

The question that really got my friend and I thinking and talking was that of “stranger danger.”
Continue reading “NEVER Talk to Strangers?”

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Help! My Kid Likes Me Best!

Hey! My kid likes me best. Isn’t that awesome?

Wait. A. Second.

This is actually not awesome. At all.

If you’re the one your kid likes best, I’m sure you get what I’m saying. If you don’t feel me yet, check out this scenario:

It’s nearing bedtime and you’ve spent the day doing all kinds of parenting tasks: preparing and serving meals, brushing teeth, putting on and taking off shoes, providing potty assistance, playing cars, playing superheroes, playing more cars and more superheroes, and so on. You are tired. You say, “Daddy needs to help you get into your pajamas now.” This is met with a flood of tears and screams of “You do it! I want Mommy to do it!!” 

Ugh.

Not only is it exhausting, it’s also heartbreaking.

Is there a way to guide children toward being kinder to the parent who is not the “preferred” one? How can we do it without making it into an awkward situation every time?

Continue reading “Help! My Kid Likes Me Best!”

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Fostering vs. Forcing: Sharing

What is our responsibility as parents when we see another child asking our child for the toy he’s playing with? Do we attempt to force sharing? Do we let them work it out on their own? What will be best in the long run? Is there a right way to go on this?

I’ve seen plenty of defiantly-worded blog posts about why parents don’t make their kids share. While I can understand where they are coming from in a way, I am not fully convinced that we should not at least encourage our children to share. It seems like a fundamental life skill. I’m honestly still sort of on the fence about how hard we should push for sharing, so I think it’s worth exploring.

Continue reading “Fostering vs. Forcing: Sharing”

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Fostering vs. Forcing: Preschool Apologies

 

“Cole told me that my shirt is an ugly color!!”

“Cole, please tell Malia that you’re sorry.”

“But it IS ugly!”

“That’s not nice, and it hurts Malia’s feelings. Please apologize.”

“Sooooooorrrrry, Malia.”

 

Sound familiar? Yeah. This happens so, so often. It happens at home and it happens in the classroom.

In my experience, preschool-aged children tend to say they’re sorry with one foot out the door, tingling with the excitement to get back to whatever they were doing. They apologize as quickly as possible, with a look like, “Okay? Are you happy? Can I go PLAY?”

In elementary school, a lovely eye-roll or some other show of “sorry-not-sorry” might accompany the forced apology, and then the students return to the activity they were previously engaged in. There is no genuine resolution to the issue, no exploration of how the other child felt, and no follow-up.

In both cases, we usually just make the kids say they’re sorry and go about our business.

Because we’re busy.

Because being told your shirt is an ugly color is really not the end of the world.

Because neither the kids nor you wants a lengthy discussion, anyway.

Because we think it helps the accuser feel heard.

Because we are teaching them to be kind to each other.

Because that’s what we’re supposed to do.

But IS that what we’re supposed to do? Is this REALLY teaching kids how to be kind to each other?

Continue reading “Fostering vs. Forcing: Preschool Apologies”

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“In His Cortex”: Tantrums and Self-Awareness

“In His Cortex”? What?

When I was an elementary school teacher, I once attended a staff development meeting about… well, I’m not sure what it was about, to be honest. But the speaker was an incredibly animated man with some quirky presentation habits. It’s probably due to these odd behaviors that I never forgot his presentation. Maybe he did it on purpose!

Anyway, this man talked about what our more challenging students were going through when they were having meltdowns. He described the very front part of the brain, the prefrontal cortex, as the place that was shutting down when the students were so emotionally charged. Because the prefrontal cortex deals with self-control, the shutting down of that portion of the brain leads to a shutting down of self-control. His point was, basically, that we needed to be patient with these students and not attempt to reason with them in that moment. Continue reading ““In His Cortex”: Tantrums and Self-Awareness”

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