Fostering vs. Forcing: Elementary Apologies

Elementary Apologies

I’m currently exploring the issue of that thin line between fostering kind behavior and forcing it on our children. As I explained in my previous post about preschool apologies, I get frustrated by the inauthenticity that accompanies forced apologies. This is something that I experience in my daily life as the mom of a preschooler, but it’s also something I struggled with as second- and sixth-grade teacher.

In this post, I’ll be sharing my experiences with the issue in an elementary school setting, and then outlining some strategies for moving away from forcing insincere apologies and toward fostering heartfelt resolutions. If you’re more into the funny/exasperating tales of my little three-year-old tornado, not to worry—there’s plenty more where that came from, just not this week!
As a teacher, I always felt a little weird about forcing my students to say they were sorry, especially when it was clear that they were, in fact, not at all sorry. It didn’t seem to solve any problems; it actually seemed to make the apologizer resentful of the student he’d wronged for telling on him, and resentful of me for making him apologize.

Apologies During Class Meetings

Our school implemented daily class meetings to help curb the problem of tattling and to provide a forum for building classroom community and encouraging social-emotional growth in our students. We had a tattle box, in which a student would place a note describing an offense, which would then be discussed at the next class meeting.

The idea was that—after a round of compliments doled out to fellow classmates—I would read each note, we would discuss each issue as a class, and then the class would decide together how each problem should be solved. Most of the time, the students decided on an apology and a hug. Sometimes (really only if both children were good friends already), this was done with openness and sincerity. Most of the time, however, each party was embarrassed and nothing really got solved even though they went through the motions.

Were these “solutions” really solving the problem or fostering a genuine appreciation for the good that can come from a sincere apology? I never really thought so, but I didn’t have any other tools at my disposal and was provided very little training in conducting meaningful class meetings. So, I just kept on keeping on and made those poor kids apologize to each other.

A quick note about class meetings before I move on: I am absolutely not implying that class meetings are ineffective or a waste of time. I believe that they can be an amazing tool, but teachers must be properly trained on how to facilitate them well. I was not!

Apologies On the Playground

As awkward as conflict resolution was during class meetings, encouraging students to apologize to each other became really crunchy and complicated on the playground. Often, I did not see the offense take place. In those times, the “he said, she said” problem became very difficult to overcome. Here’s an example of my thought process during these types of situations:

Tanner should have to apologize because Petra told me he hit her.

Petra is very upset.

Tanner insists that he was walking by and accidentally bumped her.

Tanner is super emotional about this.

Why should I make Tanner apologize for something he doesn’t think he did?

How will Petra feel if I discount her feelings?

If I remember correctly, my general solution to this type of problem was to ask the accused to “Please just say you are sorry,” (usually I said this with a sigh) to let everyone resume their recess in peace.

I know this is not ideal. I know that I should have probably probed them both a bit more and had a real problem-solving discussion about misconceptions and being empathetic and all that. But I was exhausted! I just wanted to fix it and make it better and ultimately make it go away… If I’m being perfectly honest here.

A Better Way

Helping elementary school children learn to apologize authentically instead of being forced is similar to doing the same for preschool children, in that we need to help them empathize. The main difference that I noticed as I researched this was that, as kids get older, we can place more of the problem-solving responsibility on them, which helps them to better empathize and to understand more thoroughly the importance of a sincere apology.

According to Parent Toolkit (a great resource for parents and teachers), students in the early elementary years are still learning how to see things from others’ perspectives. They are more aware of how others feel than their younger counterparts, but they might need guidance to use empathy in social situations. Even older elementary students are still developing empathetic behavior. While the hand-holding does become less and less obvious as they get older, it is still important to remember that these kids might need a little help empathizing with others.

That last sentence reminds me of something, and I have to break from my flow for a minute because I don’t know where else it’ll fit in… 

One of the hardest things about teaching kids to be socially and emotionally aware is realizing how LITTLE they are. I distinctly remember this as a teacher, and it totally still happens as a parent. Because we spend so much time with these kiddos, we tend to forget that they’ve only been on this planet for [3, 7, 12, you name it] years. They still have SO much to learn! And, the older they get, the less they think they need help with things.

When we forget how young they are, it is easy to get frustrated when they (especially preteens and older) don’t seem to know how to behave appropriately. But that’s what we’re here for! Parent, caregiver, teacher, friend—whatever your relationship is, you are a guiding force to help them become kinder human beings. That’s a big responsibility, but it’s also pretty neat.

Okay, back to the meat of this post!

Alyson Schafer offers a few solutions to the forced-apology problem, which I find pretty compelling:
  • First, like any other skill, we should model the appropriate response to hurting someone.
  • Second, we should avoid jumping right in. Schafer explains that, often, kids will do the kind thing without intervention.
  • Third, Schafer suggests that we ask our children to commit to doing the right thing in the future. While we can’t always be there to ensure that the child makes good on the commitment, we can discuss what a more positive behavior might be.
  • Finally, Schafer suggests that “letting the child think for themselves of how to right the situation helps build empathy, internalizes the lesson, and generates positive feelings about rectifying the situation.”
I really love the last two points. Any time we can ask a child to come up with a solution on her own, we are empowering that child and making it more likely that she will stick to her plan and actually feel good about it. Additionally, allowing the child to say she will do better next time (in a specific way) gives her a more positive way out than just reciting “I’m sorry” and moving on. I think it not only puts the responsibility of her actions back on her, but it helps her understand the problem more deeply by encouraging her to find a better way of approaching similar situations in the future.
So, teachers and readers with school-aged children, what has worked for you? I’d love to hear your success stories of effective conflict-resolution that generated sincere, empathetic apologies.

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